The non-apology
“I’m sorry you feel that way,” or “I’m sorry, but….”
When you apologize for the way someone else feels, it’s not an apology. Likewise, when an apology is followed by a BUT, everything after the BUT cancels out the apology; it’s a way for the apologizer to justify their words and actions. Don’t do it.
I don’t know too many other phrases that cause my blood to boil so. I just want to start the argument anew when I hear this. A true apology acknowledges the other person and takes responsibility for the apologizer’s words or actions. A non-apology accepts responsibility and takes ownership for and of nothing.
‘I’m sorry you feel that way’ has come to define the modern-day apology and it’s nothing more than a way to sound like an apology without actually being one.
So why does someone non-apologize?
The real reason why someone says ‘I’m sorry you feel that way’ is interesting. For someone to take responsibility, they must actually want to, and that is unlikely for most people.
‘I’m sorry you feel that way,’ is a quick way to use apology language to end an argument without admitting any fault. It might be a way to avoid conflict, or that the person thinks the matter is insignificant and they are placing the blame on you, without actually saying so.
People generally don’t like to admit fault. They may not be able or willing to empathize with you and your position. Few people can or will take the time to understand another’s personal sensitivities. Some people simply can’t or won’t take responsibility for their own actions. Research has found that those who are more emotionally intelligent or believe they can change for the better are more likely to apologize for their actions and take responsibility. Those with low self-esteem were less likely.
The non-apologizer may think you’re overreacting, being irrational or overly sensitive. Arguments are tiring, and few people enjoy them. ‘I’m sorry you feel that way’ uses similar language to a real apology, but is usually an attempt to stop fighting without acknowledging their part in the matter.
In the very worst of cases, ‘I’m sorry you feel that way’ is a sign of a toxic trait called gaslighting, in which one person causes another to question their sanity, reality or experiences. Some people use gaslighting as an intentional technique to control someone and continue their bad behavior.
A non-apology is just that. NOT an APOLOGY.
A real apology goes something like this: “Im sorry for what I said/did. I know I hurt you and what I said/did was wrong. I’ll try never to do it again.”
